"Oh, I knew I wouldn't be happy. It was just something I'd have to do." He chews the inside of his cheek. "But... people have extramarital affairs all the time. It's an open secret. Marriage isn't for love, it's for children and uniting estates. If I had a wife she'd probably have her own lovers, and I wouldn't give a shit as long as they didn't get her pregnant."
He sips his tea.
"It's the getting someone pregnant part I never looked forward to."
"That sounds miserable," Colin says sympathetically. "Being forced to have children. Did you not want to lie with a woman, or did you just not want children?"
He shrugs at Colin. "What would I do with a child? I don't know how to care for one, how to love one. I'd probably just give it over to a nanny like my parents did. Leave them to their own devices."
He swirls the tea around in its glass, looking down at the leaf residue.
"There'd be no point in that. Especially not now."
"I haven't thought of children in years. In the Circle, if you get someone pregnant, they take the child and give it to the Chantry and separate the parents. It's just never going to be in my future. And I don't mind that."
A worse fate, decidedly-- at least if one wants their children, and doesn't see them as a means to an end. It doesn't seem like the time to keep complaining, at any rate, so Benedict sips from his glass again in silence.
Frankly, Colin wouldn't trade places, given the opportunity. Not that he hates kids, but a forced life of manufacturing them sounds like a nightmare. Time to steer things back to having a nice time.
"So besides not having to have children, what in the South is better than it is in Tevinter?"
"I don't know. Truth be told, the food is largely terrible, it stinks of fish and dogs, it's cold and rainy and the sea is grey, and the politics are fucking impenetrable."
He swirls his glass again. "...but I guess you lot are here, so that's an improvement."
A smile blooms across Colin's face. Aw. That was a Moment.
And it's gone. He clears his throat and glances away.
"So if we're...doing things, now, I just want to say pretty quickly, if I start panicking or something, you can take my crystal and call for Athessa. And chances are, that's going to happen. Not your fault, just..."
Well it was one of the two purposes Colin had for initiating this conversation, the other one being just hanging out. And since things had gotten a smidge more contemplative, he figured he could slip it in here. But now Bene is looking at him like there's more to it than call Athessa. He finishes taking a drink of tea and looks back, wide-eyed as he swallows.
"Um. Oh. She'd probably come by. She knows what to do, if you're not comfortable with dealing with it."
"Um..." This was a conversation that needed to happen, and Colin neglected to ask Lexie what he looked like when he freaked out. "Well, if I tell you to stop, that's definitely a sign? You'd just want to stop and ask if I'm all right. If I don't answer, especially if I look scared, then that's definitely a sign."
"Oh." He smirks, as though finding the very notion absurd. "If you told me to stop I'd stop, that goes without saying. And nobody wants to fuck someone who's not really there." He sips from his tea again.
It's one of those moments where Colin really wants to kiss him and can't because it was weird the first time he did that and they're still not together. So he smiles instead, and melts a little, though only he knows about the latter.
"Thank you. I'm just...scared of...I don't know what. Memories. And I guess I'm scared it's going to happen and you won't think I'm attractive anymore. Last time, I wound up crying in her arms, it was a mess, but I don't want to spend my whole life not trying just 'cause I'm scared of that happening."
"That makes sense," Bene says as he nurses his tea, draining the last of it and setting the cup down. "Just... I wouldn't worry. It's about fun, and if you're not having fun, it's not worth doing."
He still seems quietly confused by the notion that it would ever be anything else.
He knows it's about fun for Bene, certainly. He's not sure if he could, or should, try to explain how very much more it is for him: reclaiming himself, his body, his capability for pleasure. It seems like a lot of pressure to put on him, and it wouldn't really do any good for either of them. He thinks to himself, it's probably good that they're not in a relationship, or this might put strain on it. As it is, Colin can have other partners and a variety of experiences, if he can find any.
"Thank you," he repeats instead. "Honestly. Fun is exactly what I need. Um. Speaking of, I was thinking of a lotus for the tattoo we talked about."
"You like to make things very ornate. I think that would work really well for that. I have..."
He pulls a couple of pages from his pocket of examples of Antivan art and passes them to Bene. It's not unlike the style Bene is using in the mess hall.
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He chews the inside of his cheek.
"But... people have extramarital affairs all the time. It's an open secret. Marriage isn't for love, it's for children and uniting estates. If I had a wife she'd probably have her own lovers, and I wouldn't give a shit as long as they didn't get her pregnant."
He sips his tea.
"It's the getting someone pregnant part I never looked forward to."
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"...either?"
He shrugs at Colin. "What would I do with a child? I don't know how to care for one, how to love one. I'd probably just give it over to a nanny like my parents did. Leave them to their own devices."
He swirls the tea around in its glass, looking down at the leaf residue.
"There'd be no point in that. Especially not now."
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A worse fate, decidedly-- at least if one wants their children, and doesn't see them as a means to an end. It doesn't seem like the time to keep complaining, at any rate, so Benedict sips from his glass again in silence.
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"So besides not having to have children, what in the South is better than it is in Tevinter?"
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He swirls his glass again. "...but I guess you lot are here, so that's an improvement."
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And it's gone. He clears his throat and glances away.
"So if we're...doing things, now, I just want to say pretty quickly, if I start panicking or something, you can take my crystal and call for Athessa. And chances are, that's going to happen. Not your fault, just..."
He clears his throat again.
"Anyway."
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That took a turn, but isn't something easily-- or willingly-- dismissed.
"All right." He blinks at Colin, as if awaiting elaboration.
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"Um. Oh. She'd probably come by. She knows what to do, if you're not comfortable with dealing with it."
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He smirks, as though finding the very notion absurd. "If you told me to stop I'd stop, that goes without saying. And nobody wants to fuck someone who's not really there."
He sips from his tea again.
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"Um. I don't really...know what goes without saying."
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Bene shrugs one shoulder. "...and I mean. Just between us, I'm not always certain what to do anyway."
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"Thank you. I'm just...scared of...I don't know what. Memories. And I guess I'm scared it's going to happen and you won't think I'm attractive anymore. Last time, I wound up crying in her arms, it was a mess, but I don't want to spend my whole life not trying just 'cause I'm scared of that happening."
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He still seems quietly confused by the notion that it would ever be anything else.
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"Thank you," he repeats instead. "Honestly. Fun is exactly what I need. Um. Speaking of, I was thinking of a lotus for the tattoo we talked about."
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He doesn't disagree with the decision, but it bears explanation.
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"That's nice."
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He pulls a couple of pages from his pocket of examples of Antivan art and passes them to Bene. It's not unlike the style Bene is using in the mess hall.
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