"What? No." Finally, Benedict smiles slightly, as if to reassure him.
"What we do, it's not-- I'm not used to it being--" He waves his hand vaguely, trying to find the words, "...I wasn't supposed to, really. It didn't matter as long as we kept it quiet, but that's just it, talking about it meant you'd already fucked up. I'm-- I was-- supposed to get married. If a girl or her parents find out you'd... you know, it reflects badly on your family."
It's not such a consideration anymore, but these things don't just unstick themselves from someone's brain.
Colin smiles in response, although the concept of two men together being such a scandal is foreign to him. No one in the Circle cared. If you found someone you connected with, you were considered lucky, although you had to keep it secret or you would be separated, regardless of gender.
"Do you have any attraction to women?" he asks curiously. "At all?"
"That's fair." Though that probably means no, Colin isn't about to press it. He sips his tea. "Even if you did, that's no guarantee you'd wind up happily with one. You have freedom now."
"Oh, I knew I wouldn't be happy. It was just something I'd have to do." He chews the inside of his cheek. "But... people have extramarital affairs all the time. It's an open secret. Marriage isn't for love, it's for children and uniting estates. If I had a wife she'd probably have her own lovers, and I wouldn't give a shit as long as they didn't get her pregnant."
He sips his tea.
"It's the getting someone pregnant part I never looked forward to."
"That sounds miserable," Colin says sympathetically. "Being forced to have children. Did you not want to lie with a woman, or did you just not want children?"
He shrugs at Colin. "What would I do with a child? I don't know how to care for one, how to love one. I'd probably just give it over to a nanny like my parents did. Leave them to their own devices."
He swirls the tea around in its glass, looking down at the leaf residue.
"There'd be no point in that. Especially not now."
"I haven't thought of children in years. In the Circle, if you get someone pregnant, they take the child and give it to the Chantry and separate the parents. It's just never going to be in my future. And I don't mind that."
A worse fate, decidedly-- at least if one wants their children, and doesn't see them as a means to an end. It doesn't seem like the time to keep complaining, at any rate, so Benedict sips from his glass again in silence.
Frankly, Colin wouldn't trade places, given the opportunity. Not that he hates kids, but a forced life of manufacturing them sounds like a nightmare. Time to steer things back to having a nice time.
"So besides not having to have children, what in the South is better than it is in Tevinter?"
"I don't know. Truth be told, the food is largely terrible, it stinks of fish and dogs, it's cold and rainy and the sea is grey, and the politics are fucking impenetrable."
He swirls his glass again. "...but I guess you lot are here, so that's an improvement."
A smile blooms across Colin's face. Aw. That was a Moment.
And it's gone. He clears his throat and glances away.
"So if we're...doing things, now, I just want to say pretty quickly, if I start panicking or something, you can take my crystal and call for Athessa. And chances are, that's going to happen. Not your fault, just..."
Well it was one of the two purposes Colin had for initiating this conversation, the other one being just hanging out. And since things had gotten a smidge more contemplative, he figured he could slip it in here. But now Bene is looking at him like there's more to it than call Athessa. He finishes taking a drink of tea and looks back, wide-eyed as he swallows.
"Um. Oh. She'd probably come by. She knows what to do, if you're not comfortable with dealing with it."
"Um..." This was a conversation that needed to happen, and Colin neglected to ask Lexie what he looked like when he freaked out. "Well, if I tell you to stop, that's definitely a sign? You'd just want to stop and ask if I'm all right. If I don't answer, especially if I look scared, then that's definitely a sign."
"Oh." He smirks, as though finding the very notion absurd. "If you told me to stop I'd stop, that goes without saying. And nobody wants to fuck someone who's not really there." He sips from his tea again.
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"Oh. Um. It," he stammers, clearing his throat, "...like now?" Colin they're in public
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"I guess?" He sets his drink down so he won't kill himself on it right away. "...if you want?"
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"I mean, I want it, but only if you want it."
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"I mean, I-- I like when things are, you know. Spontaneous." He looks at his fidgeting hands. "The way it's been. That's fine."
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"What we do, it's not-- I'm not used to it being--" He waves his hand vaguely, trying to find the words, "...I wasn't supposed to, really. It didn't matter as long as we kept it quiet, but that's just it, talking about it meant you'd already fucked up. I'm-- I was-- supposed to get married. If a girl or her parents find out you'd... you know, it reflects badly on your family."
It's not such a consideration anymore, but these things don't just unstick themselves from someone's brain.
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"Do you have any attraction to women?" he asks curiously. "At all?"
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"I try not to think about it."
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He chews the inside of his cheek.
"But... people have extramarital affairs all the time. It's an open secret. Marriage isn't for love, it's for children and uniting estates. If I had a wife she'd probably have her own lovers, and I wouldn't give a shit as long as they didn't get her pregnant."
He sips his tea.
"It's the getting someone pregnant part I never looked forward to."
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"...either?"
He shrugs at Colin. "What would I do with a child? I don't know how to care for one, how to love one. I'd probably just give it over to a nanny like my parents did. Leave them to their own devices."
He swirls the tea around in its glass, looking down at the leaf residue.
"There'd be no point in that. Especially not now."
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A worse fate, decidedly-- at least if one wants their children, and doesn't see them as a means to an end. It doesn't seem like the time to keep complaining, at any rate, so Benedict sips from his glass again in silence.
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"So besides not having to have children, what in the South is better than it is in Tevinter?"
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He swirls his glass again. "...but I guess you lot are here, so that's an improvement."
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And it's gone. He clears his throat and glances away.
"So if we're...doing things, now, I just want to say pretty quickly, if I start panicking or something, you can take my crystal and call for Athessa. And chances are, that's going to happen. Not your fault, just..."
He clears his throat again.
"Anyway."
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That took a turn, but isn't something easily-- or willingly-- dismissed.
"All right." He blinks at Colin, as if awaiting elaboration.
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"Um. Oh. She'd probably come by. She knows what to do, if you're not comfortable with dealing with it."
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He smirks, as though finding the very notion absurd. "If you told me to stop I'd stop, that goes without saying. And nobody wants to fuck someone who's not really there."
He sips from his tea again.
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"Um. I don't really...know what goes without saying."
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