Well it was one of the two purposes Colin had for initiating this conversation, the other one being just hanging out. And since things had gotten a smidge more contemplative, he figured he could slip it in here. But now Bene is looking at him like there's more to it than call Athessa. He finishes taking a drink of tea and looks back, wide-eyed as he swallows.
"Um. Oh. She'd probably come by. She knows what to do, if you're not comfortable with dealing with it."
"Um..." This was a conversation that needed to happen, and Colin neglected to ask Lexie what he looked like when he freaked out. "Well, if I tell you to stop, that's definitely a sign? You'd just want to stop and ask if I'm all right. If I don't answer, especially if I look scared, then that's definitely a sign."
"Oh." He smirks, as though finding the very notion absurd. "If you told me to stop I'd stop, that goes without saying. And nobody wants to fuck someone who's not really there." He sips from his tea again.
It's one of those moments where Colin really wants to kiss him and can't because it was weird the first time he did that and they're still not together. So he smiles instead, and melts a little, though only he knows about the latter.
"Thank you. I'm just...scared of...I don't know what. Memories. And I guess I'm scared it's going to happen and you won't think I'm attractive anymore. Last time, I wound up crying in her arms, it was a mess, but I don't want to spend my whole life not trying just 'cause I'm scared of that happening."
"That makes sense," Bene says as he nurses his tea, draining the last of it and setting the cup down. "Just... I wouldn't worry. It's about fun, and if you're not having fun, it's not worth doing."
He still seems quietly confused by the notion that it would ever be anything else.
He knows it's about fun for Bene, certainly. He's not sure if he could, or should, try to explain how very much more it is for him: reclaiming himself, his body, his capability for pleasure. It seems like a lot of pressure to put on him, and it wouldn't really do any good for either of them. He thinks to himself, it's probably good that they're not in a relationship, or this might put strain on it. As it is, Colin can have other partners and a variety of experiences, if he can find any.
"Thank you," he repeats instead. "Honestly. Fun is exactly what I need. Um. Speaking of, I was thinking of a lotus for the tattoo we talked about."
"You like to make things very ornate. I think that would work really well for that. I have..."
He pulls a couple of pages from his pocket of examples of Antivan art and passes them to Bene. It's not unlike the style Bene is using in the mess hall.
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"Um. Oh. She'd probably come by. She knows what to do, if you're not comfortable with dealing with it."
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He smirks, as though finding the very notion absurd. "If you told me to stop I'd stop, that goes without saying. And nobody wants to fuck someone who's not really there."
He sips from his tea again.
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"Um. I don't really...know what goes without saying."
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Bene shrugs one shoulder. "...and I mean. Just between us, I'm not always certain what to do anyway."
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"Thank you. I'm just...scared of...I don't know what. Memories. And I guess I'm scared it's going to happen and you won't think I'm attractive anymore. Last time, I wound up crying in her arms, it was a mess, but I don't want to spend my whole life not trying just 'cause I'm scared of that happening."
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He still seems quietly confused by the notion that it would ever be anything else.
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"Thank you," he repeats instead. "Honestly. Fun is exactly what I need. Um. Speaking of, I was thinking of a lotus for the tattoo we talked about."
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He doesn't disagree with the decision, but it bears explanation.
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"That's nice."
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He pulls a couple of pages from his pocket of examples of Antivan art and passes them to Bene. It's not unlike the style Bene is using in the mess hall.
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