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altusimperius

tell him how pretty he is

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From:

keenly

"I talked about that. Um. Though we were..." He makes a motion of smoking a joint. "Anyway. When I told him I tried to kill myself, he got really angry and said he'd never forgive anyone who tried to hurt me, not even me. That's why we're not friends anymore."

From:

altusimperius

"Oh." That's right, he did know this.

Furrowing his brow, Benedict thinks on the information, at least glad he's sober for it this time. He opens his mouth and closes it several times, then shakes his head.

"I guess I've got no room to talk," he mutters, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear and looking down at his bowl.
"I don't know how I'd have reacted. But." He glances up furtively. "I'm glad you're still here."

From:

keenly

"We weren't really friends when it happened," Colin says with a shrug. "We hadn't even slept together. And you're...different, now."

From:

altusimperius

This yields something of a thousand-yard stare from Bene, who takes another bite and chews it while looking off into the distance.

"Am I?" he asks faintly, worried.

From:

keenly

Colin never likes seeing that stare. His brow furrows a little.

"You're more thoughtful," he says. "I mean, you're still you, but a better version. Before, you wouldn't have stopped talking about yourself to ask me what's wrong." He hesitates. "I mean, sometimes...but you're more aware. And you seem to find it important to keep getting better. That's what makes someone a good person, is wanting to keep getting better. It can...feel? Sometimes? Like our friendship is a bit one-sided, but I think that's my fault. I don't really talk about things. I just make people make me talk about things, and that's...not good."

From:

altusimperius

Even as Colin talks, Bene slowly lowers his face into his hands. It's not a despairing gesture like it can be; between the comparisons of now and then, and the fact that Colin is still reassuring him, he's suddenly overwhelmed by shame.

"Maker," he groans, "the way I've treated people."

From:

keenly

It's very, very hard to argue with that. Benedict has sometimes been terrible. There's a reason they weren't friends until recently. But seeing the struggle, seeing the slow trudge toward change, has been heartbreakingly beautiful, even healing. Colin reaches out for Bene's hand, only to halt and change his mind, afraid it is too much affection.

"Most people like you don't get to this point," he says quietly. "I mean, rich people, nobles, all get taught somehow that the world owes them everything, and because they benefit from that way of thinking and acting, they don't change. You're changing. Not because you benefit from it, but because you care about how you affect other people. That's something."

From:

altusimperius

"It's something," Bene mutters, lowering his hands to look down at his bowl with a grimace instead.

"How does someone even begin to make that right?" He picks up his fork again and stirs the remnants around, his appetite gone.
"Even if I had a sending crystal, or wrote notes, or... no one would want to hear it. And I think they'd be right."

Edited Date: 2020-08-28 08:52 pm (UTC)

From:

keenly

"The only way you're going to make anything up to anyone is actions, not words. Anyone can say words. But being genuinely thoughtful? Making a real effort not because you're expecting absolution, but because that's the right thing to do. 'Cause trying to get peoples' forgiveness is still self-serving. That's why people wouldn't want to hear it."

From:

altusimperius

Taking in Colin's words, Benedict nods silently, his head making a slow descent towards the table until his forehead is resting on it. His shiny black hair curtains his face perfectly.

From:

keenly

Awwwwwww. Completely unable to resist, Colin reaches out to brush his fingers through those shiny locks.

"It could be worse. You were really unhappy before, weren't you?"

From:

altusimperius

"It's going to take so lonnng," comes a whine from beneath the hair.

From:

keenly

"I know." Just petting his hair now. "Maybe don't look at the whole road. Look at the next step."

From:

altusimperius

Still looking miserable, Bene finally lifts his head enough that he can rest his chin on the table instead, folding himself over completely with his arms crossed at his middle.

"What's the next step?" he mumbles, "licking Byerly's boots?"

From:

keenly

“Definitely not,” Colin says quickly. “Just do a good job because it needs doing. Eventually he’ll come around.”

From:

altusimperius

Though he rolls his eyes, Benedict nods again (which is difficult to do with one's chin on a table) and simply lays his head down, because now he's here and it seems like the thing to do.

"Anyway." He pushes his bowl away, so he's not staring at it. "Are you still going to live in Alexandrie's house while she's away?"

From:

keenly

“Um. I don’t live with her, she lives in her husband’s house. She just offered to lend me the flat she had with her sister because I, um. Was. Having difficulty living in the Gallows because it used to be a Circle.”

A somewhat embarrassed widening of his eyes.

From:

altusimperius

"Oh. ...yeah."

Finally lifting his head, Benedict purses his lips sympathetically.

"I don't blame you." At least his worst experiences have taken place underground, out of sight; it makes the memories of them all the darker, but at least he doesn't have to be reminded constantly.

From:

keenly

A one-shoulder shrug.

"Lots of Circle mages manage to live here."

From:

altusimperius

Inclining his head slightly, Bene gives Colin a look that's difficult to interpret.

"Then I mean," he says conversationally, "you could always come back."

From:

keenly

There's a beat before Colin looks back at him. Is Bene saying he wants to spend more time together? ...At night?

There are two things he does not want to do: get false hope, and end up locking himself in a closet again. Not that living in Lexie's flat has cured his numerous issues, but at least when he freaks out, he has an entire apartment and not just a closet.

"Well. I don't have to spend every night in the flat. Or go home as soon as I finish work."

From:

altusimperius

Even if he hadn't meant it that way before, it's possible Bene does now. He smiles sheepishly, a bit of additional color rising in his cheeks.

"I mean, my arrangement is hardly conducive to..." He waves his hand, "visiting, unless you want Marcoulf listening to everything we say. But there's, there's places around the Gallows."

From:

keenly

"Lots of empty rooms." Now Colin is starting to blush as well. Is this a terrible idea? Yes. Is it going to get him hurt? Almost definitely. Will he do it anyway? Probably.

From:

altusimperius

"That's true."

Maker, how'd they get here? ...how long has it been?

"I mean, I-- have to go back to work, but." He glances furtively at Colin. Meet later?

From:

keenly

It has been a long time, and that might be part of why Colin is nodding his head with a smile.

"I get off at six," he says. As soon as the words are out of his mouth, he's blushing harder. "Um. So, um. Meet you at your place, and we can...go somewhere."